MY birth

My birth story is not poetic.  It would NOT be featured in an Ina May book with pictures of me blissed-out and kissing my bearded husband.  It MAY, however, be included in a bloopers reel of some sort. The whole thing was hilarious.  Kind of a "best laid plans" sort of deal.

But to be honest....it was really scary while I was going through it.

The short version:
Contractions start.
Coping at home went well for about the first 30 minutes.
Trying to call in the planned reinforcements.  All were either sick or scheduled to work.
Decided with Christian that we were prepared. We could DO this.
Christian called midwife.  I argued with her about coming in.  I was scared.
Longest cab ride of my life.
Freak out/hiding/vomiting in triage bathroom.
Crying to nurse about how much it hurt.
Checked by midwife.
Lots of cursing.
One squat.
Broken water, obvious meconium staining.
All fours on stretcher.
Lots of cursing!
Three pushes and...
I'M A MOM.

Whoa.

I still get shaky thinking about it.  Talking about it makes me shake and cry and laugh.

In the last few days I have heard a lot of cheering.  Friends have told me they are proud of me, that I did a good job, that I should feel empowered.  They are all well-intentioned and I appreciate their kind words, but in a weird way it makes me cringe.  The overall feeling I get from the experience isn't PRIDE.  I feel HUMBLED.

I'm amazed at what women endure.  I'm amazed that all this time working as a midwife I thought I knew what was up.

I am apparently genetically wired to have a quick birth.  The real stories to be in awe of come from women that labor for days on end, or even the average 24. That find their voices or don't.  That give birth naturally or with the help of an epidural or a skilled surgeon.  That wanted to be pregnant or didn't plan to be.  The teens, the AMAs, the average-aged the normal or elevated BMI's, the inductions, the diabetics, the drive-bys, the "not coping well"s, the recent immigrants, the BRONX-bred, the Bambara speaking, the primps, the grand multips, the straight-forward, the transfers from the birth center...the women I work with every day, yes, even the whiny entitled ones and bossy obnoxious ones, ALL WOMEN,  they are absolutely my heroes.  I am cheering for them.  I will never be the same.