Anniversary

Christian just turned 31.  I celebrate my birthday July 7th.  But another very important anniversary befalls us this week. 

One year ago today, July 2nd, I found out I was pregnant!

I remember the day vividly.  I had expected the pregnancy test to come out negative. So much so, that I didn't even watch the test in progress.  Instead I reasoned with my friend Linda about how hard I had worked out that morning and my latest raw juice cleanse, thinking it was the reason for my nausea.  I remember her screaming while I my eyes darted back and forth, back and forth between the two lines and her excited face.  Complete disbelief.  How had she switched tests to play this prank on me?  Who was really pregnant?  Maybe she was.  I certainly didn't feel "with child".  I wasn't ready.  Sure, babies are great, but having babies is something grown-ups do.  Well, my little brother had a baby.  But that was him.  I live in a one-bedroom.  Despite our best efforts, Christian and I were still living paycheck-to-paycheck with a mountain of student loan debt.  Why was Linda playing this trick on me?  I know she loved being a mom, but she's smart and energetic.   I just want to make it through my work day to go home and take a nap...

...and so my irrational, disordered, frantic mind turned.  Over and over for, I'm a little embarrassed to say, many weeks into my pregnancy.  I was afraid to share the news, thinking I would be judged.  For what, I wasn't sure.  Tears appeared out of nowhere, practically daily.  I was terrified, tired, and buzzing with nerves. 

Telling Chris the news made it real.  I wrapped a onesie as a birthday present and watched with fist-sized butterflies in my stomach as he slowly opened it and realized the deeper meaning.  I remember him jumping up and grabbing me, pulling me into his chest, promising to work really hard.  I cried happy tears, finally, knowing with a deep certainty that I had chosen the right person to share the journey. 

I now know that the uncertainty, excitement and fear I felt is normal.  Its size is on-par with the transformation involved in pregnancy and birth.  No one can tell you how to get through it, but they hold a space for you on the other side of the tunnel, knowing all along that you'll make to that place of joy, elation and unbridled love. 

Through it all, the excitement and support shown by my amazing husband and closest friends helped me accept.  It was no longer about me, my body had already decided that.  All of my resources were going to this new bundle of cells.  By the time she arrived my mind and heart had caught up and I was ready to meet this new person. 

I had no idea one year ago the many ways I would be changed by becoming a mother.  It's an indescribable transformation.  So on this anniversary I nod my head to all the women out there just finding out they are pregnant who are struggling to grasp the news.  I am holding a space for you too, knowing that when you get through the tunnel you'll marvel at the ways you've changed. 

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