First day back at work

Ok, so not only did I have to come down off the high of vacation, I had to go back to work!!!  To be honest, Saturday night (the night before my first shift) I seriously contemplated backing out completely.  Like quitting.  Like calling my boss crying and confessing that "I just can't do it".  But everyone said "you'll be OK".  And, for the most part, they were right.

If you're not familiar with how midwives are scheduled in a hospital setting, it goes a little something like this: We see patients all day in "clinic" which is scheduled in 15 minute slots.  Unless it is a pregnant woman's first time being seen, they get 45 min.  "All day" usually means 8 hours, but sometimes there is a late clinic, going until 8pm.  That means 12 hours of seeing patients every 15 minutes.  We are also scheduled in Labor and Delivery where we oversee and support laboring women and do deliveries.  We also see women who have just given birth and support them with healing, breast feeding and getting ready to go home.  These shifts are usually 12 hours.

So this week I had one labor and delivery shift (12 hours), two regular clinic shifts (8 hours each) and one late clinic day (12 hours).  The plus side: only 4 days of work which means more days at home with my baby.  The down side: 40 hours!  40 hours away from my baby!  2-3 times pumping a day. A million phone calls home just to "check in".  100 or so patients that I want to give my full attention to but can't because my boobs hurt, my heart hurts, and my head is spinning.  The math just doesn't add up.

How was I to prepare for this rude adjustment to my life?  Oh, here's the fun part.  Having only breastfed, except once or twice when the grandparents were in town, Chio has never taken a bottle.  So Chris and I had to spend our last few vacation days trying to get her used to the idea.  Which meant I had to keep leaving the house in order for the two of them to give it a good shot.  I was a mess, but Chris was amazing.  He made sure to keep me updated.  He kept cool (for the most part) and Chio adjusted to it by day 3.  But the whole thing just felt...unnatural.

Sunday comes.  I'm supposed to be on Labor and Delivery at 7 am.  I have my pump packed, my lunch packed and my MetroCard ready to go.  Oh, but wait, Chio is waking up.  So, of course, I lay down and nurse her.  Christian does his best to get me out the door on time, but I can't bring myself to leave.  When Chio falls asleep and I am finally ready to go (sniff, sniff), but the only way I can make it to work on time is by taking a ($12) cab.  Day one and I've already violated our agreement.  See, I HAVE to work.  Chris has gone down to part-time in order to stay with Chio.  This means tightening our belts.  This means NO EXTRA EXPENSES....like cabs.  Oh well.  I packed my lunch for the day, so I figure  it evens out.

Once I get to work I am greeted by my lovely coworkers, who I've missed dearly,  and have two women in labor.   OK, I can do this.  I put on my brave face and start preparing for a delivery.  Wouldn't it just be my luck, though, she ends up having a difficult birth (I had to call in the Doctor for a vacuum) and I am left shaky and self-doubting.  And it's already time to pump.

I get a few ounces out, and it's time for lady #2 to start pushing.  Luckily, this one goes well and I remember that I do, in fact, love my job.  But I have to eat, like NOW, or I will pass out.

So I stuff some carrots in my face, write my notes and it's time to see the post-partum ladies.  I enjoy visiting with them and am sending them home, but have to remember the many tedious steps on the computer to do so.  In addition I have to speak with the social worker and the nurses about one of them because her baby may have to stay for observation.  No.  NO!  I can't ask her to leave her baby.  Absolutely not.  The nurse argues that there are no free beds on the floor for mom to stay.  This means little to me.  I try to stay calm while talking to this mom about all the possible outcomes and she is crying, telling me she absolutely can't leave her baby at the hospital and go home.  My mommy side is all atingle and I fight back crying right along with her, remembering the first, sweet, night at home with Chio.  Cuddling and trying to get the hang of breast feeding.  Of course not, or course not.  In the end, the baby was discharged too so all was well.  I sent them off with smiles and completely genuine well-wishes.  But it was a good reminder that I am not the same.  I am working in a system that is completely removed from the realities of the very vulnerable and magical time around having a baby.  I, again, contemplate quitting.  A hug and a few laughs with one of the residents gets me centered.  I check my phone and Christian has texted saying that he and Chio are doing well.  And...

It's time to pump again.  So I eat my turkey sandwich while I pump in the call room.  Relieved that I have lived through all of this already, unsure how much more I can take.  The thing that is keeping me going is knowing that Christian and Chio plan to visit so that I can nurse and cuddle her and feel like me again.

Here is a picture of when they visited:

You can see that Chio is not into it.  But that smile I have on my face is for real.
(The woman sitting next to us is my attending.  She has two sons under five and was awesome about understanding my pumping needs and how tender I felt on that day. )

I see a few more patients triage, catch up with the nurses, pump once more (hey, I'm getting pretty good at it!) and before I know I am giving report and getting ready to go home.  Waiting for the train seems like torture so I take another cab (darn it) home.  But this face is so worth it!